candirun

if you think i've left an aggressive or troll-like comment somewhere you're simply wrong. i'm entitled to my opinion and do not seek negative confrontation. i have never trolled and have no interest in doing so. if my opinion is unpopular then perhaps it would be wise to pretend you didn't read it and move along. i almost never comment back to abusive comments.

Raspberries. Hard to reach but the effort is worth it.

Holden Caulfield and Juno from the movie. Never before did I so completely connect with someone mentally. It's a relief to know some people have thoughts similar to my own.

i feel that my mother and sisters all hate and despise me. i've heard it; read it. so i do have evidence. it's in the way they deal with me. naive, childish, stupid... i've never been able to express myself adequately in the face of others. on paper i appear mature, intelligent, fluent. sometimes, when faced with the chance to "defend" myself, my whole entity collapses in the sheer absurdity and inanity of it all. what will i have to prove now? and then again? if someone wants to believe something they will; they already have set beliefs about that someone.

i'm just grateful to God that i have my husband in my life. we may clash on many a different issue (fundamental differences, even) but we still accept and love each other. i love him. i can't say that i love my sisters, and that saddens me deeply. i've always been there to help and support them; and then they insult me as i do. i'm done helping them. i'm done.

to change yourself to fit in into another person's standards is demeaning to yourself. you are what you are - where you come from is obvious to another person - even after a while. even if you don't look it. if you do not "own up" to it you are just asking for trouble. you don't have to advertise it; simply be it. you will have people who laugh at you and people who pity you. either one is despicable. being yourself and being comfortable enough with it will earn you other people's respect whether they want to give it to you or not. you will find that many people who do not particularly like you will treat you better than people who "fit in" with people's normal standards.

and that's my mini-lecture for the day.

You Should Be an Artist

You are incredibly creative, spontaneous, and unique. No one can guess what you're going to do next, but it's usually something amazing. You can't deal with routine, rules, or structure. You're easily bored. As long as you are able to innovate and break the rules, you are extremely successful. You do best when you: - Can work by yourself - Can express your personality in your work You would also be a good journalist or actor.

no surprise there.

also, polo rolls are heavenly. sweet, low in calories and therefore safe to be addicted to. it also gives you good breath. i sound like i am advertising for them, aren't i? i'm not. i'm just taken with its brilliant pressed simplicity.

i'm feeling romantic today. for a while, actually.

and i know how scarlett o'hara felt when ashley married that quiet girl melanie. it's a dumb, ugly feeling. i want to shake it off so badly.

where are thou? i need you sleep. these dark circles are killing me.

in other news, i'm having fun with the newspaper opininos section. stupidity kills me.

I just sent a letter to the newspaper opinions section with perfect punctuation. They completely fucked it up. Adding two .. when a period is ONE motherfucking fullstop. Using run-on sentences which no vocab in the universe can be used to describe my utter loathing for.

WHAT. THE. FUCK.

Why? Just WHY!

I fucking hate first-person fiction. Except for J.D. Salinger's The Catcher in the Rye.

It is so fucking SELF-INDULGENT.

I have had too much to eat tonight. I need to restrict. I need to go on 2468. What an incredible diet. It really helps you lose weight. 2kg gah-ran-tee. I think I will go on it tomorrow. It's going to be hard but it is soooooooooooooooo worth it.

I really should be asleep. Baby is asleep. So that is cue enough. Ugh.

My husband is in Canada babysitting his idiot brother. Okay, let me rephrase that: he's handling paperwork for his brother so that when he leaves him with the host family is not scared stiff.

I hate my husband's family. Why is my husband the only truly responsible member?

Need to go on a strict diet soon. I have been restricting but it is not quite enough. I might do the 2468 soon.

This was a reply I wanted to give a user regarding race.

I agree. I don't think race exists. I think, if we must refer to some people's color...etc, we call them a "group". So black groups, white groups, brown groups, red groups, yellow groups. Before globalization each group of people lived alone, there hardly existed places in the world where several groups intermingled. Which is how we got these "groups" in the first place because the people with similar genetics will result in people with "similar" appearance, so to speak.

That's my whole belief regarding "race". It just does not exist.

so it's been a little over two months since i had my baby. i can happily say that i have lost a lot of weight since then. "oh no! how dare you mention your body when you have had the miracle of baby-making!!!!11" anyways, despite what some of the people reading this might think, i STILL am happy for my weight loss.

the baby is cute and does not let me sleep at night. for the first time in my life i have had medication for something OTHER than physical problems. it was sleep issues. God, i have not valued sleep like i have after having this little baby. rolling around in bed for HOURS on end is torture. i have been a wreck the first two months. the first month was better considering i stayed with my mum and she helped out A LOT but since she traveled abroad i have not really had a decent night's sleep. i am always filled with worry now that this baby is here. it is very extremely tiring.

w. has the nerve to travel again after two months since his last flight. if it's not tunisia, it's canada. his loser sexist shithead of a brother is going to university in canada and the baby needs help filling out documents and settling in. so it's up to my bebe to go with him. :((( he says he does not want to go with him but that he has to. this i confirmed after talking to my father-in-law. icily he claimed whether i doubted him or if i was worried for his safety. after all, why else would i not want my husband to travel?! maybe i love him and want him near me? Good God.

Just came back from the hospital with mum. Apparently my c-section date is now on the 19th. I have to go on the 18th for them to do a checkup for the anesthesia: blood-drawing etc to see if I'm eligible for the anesthesia.

My mum says I won't be unconscious during the operation since, apparently, it is recommended that I have an epidural instead of general anesthesia. My mum says I'll be able to see my baby first thing when he is born. My sister says I'll have a "lifetime" to spend it with him and why the rush, haha. I can't say this isn't terrifying. I don't want to be awake during my operation! I'll just have to get used to the idea until then. I had hoped it would be next Sunday but alas. They only perform scheduled c-sections every Tuesday, SIGH. Tuesday was just yesterday; the irony.

Oh well. I'll get to see W. on Friday and we will have two more days of intimacy before the 40 days of doom, haha.

I was supposed to schedule a c-section for the 17th today. Seeing as the hospital's evening hours are already over (7:30pm) I can't and must go tomorrow... in the midst of that crowded big-stomach spectacle. Am I big-stomached, too? Yes. It's just too much when there is a whole room of them.

Can't wait for the Sopranos finale. Can't wait. Can't wait. Can't wait. I want to go to sleep now so that I can wake up tomorrow, bittorrent it, wait impatiently, watch nervously and then mourn the end of the greatest tv series I have ever had the pleasure of watching.

I am counting down the days until I can work on my body again. I look at my stomach and sometimes see the flicker of a hand, or a head. It seems amusing but it also heartbreaking, to me, that so much work will come from this pregnancy. I want to breastfeed but this will amount to a lot of (skimmed) milk and consumption of tasteless water that I cannot really stand unless I am totally dehydrated.

It seems like irony that I had not discovered 2468 before my pregnancy. What a beautiful diet: 2 kilograms gone in four days. I had so tried to lose a significant amount of weight before conception so that whatever weight I put on would be manageable and not shocking. However, the last time I weighed (more than a month ago, I believe) I had put on 13 kilograms. Some people can weigh themselves during pregnancy and think I am pregnant, it will go away after I am done, or it's not like this is a lasting phase but I am still unable to weigh myself again even though the end is so near.

My sisters and husband tell me to weigh myself so that I know how much kilograms I will lose right after birth. But I do not have that kind of courage. The sixth month had made me very hungry and that's when I really put on the weight. I kind of lost track and heart to keep up with the weighing after that. But I haven't lost the obsession. Every time I pass a mirror I dissect myself. Instead of doing something about my fat, I go on Yahoo! Answers and look up natural home-made face masks, body-scrubbing solutions, sugaring...etc so that I may groom myself in aspects that will make feel feel better about myself without harming my baby.

This has been a long, long pregnancy. I last had my period on the 16th of September, 2006. My official due date is the 23rd of June. Now, because my baby is breech, I will have a c-section one week before my due date so as not to undergo an operation in the midst of contractions. I worry about the c-section scar and look at women's bodies online to see the damage that such an operation will leave. My mum had six natural births and the seventh was her first c-section. She thinks my physical obsession is idiotic. She had the heart, however, to show me her c-section scar. I guess it can be lived with.

I look at my special drawer of sexy lingerie and cannot wait to fit into them again. My dresses, my jeans, my small tops... They are all waiting and I am waiting, too. W. loves me as I am but I cannot love myself as I am. I cannot wait until I am tiny again.